Today is Poopie’s birthday! No, I’m not privy to how old she is, and I’m not about to ask. We are both ladies, after all. Genteel Southern girls who know how to have a good time and act like we didn’t, AND old enough to not really care what anyone thinks. Poopie is a sweetheart; go by her blog and leave a comment at her birthday post!

Poopie has left her 9/11 post at the top of her blog, just as I have. Be sure to read it and others who are taking part in the 2,996 project. You’ll find a list of them here. Some have posted their tributes already, the rest will have them up by Monday.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t a coincidence that I’ve chosen today to bring you some jokes and links about old age.

Retirement facts.

Groovin Granny is back!

The last of the Zeigfield Follies girls is still dancing at 102!

Old People Are Funny.

Felonious Fogeys: Mug shots of senior citizens on the wrong side of the law in Florida.

Hale McKay has the answer to the question “How do you like being old?”

Old Age Wisdom.

MIKE THE BARTENDER

(thanks, Hale McKay!)

I have concocted a drink - sure to be a hit with all of us baby boomers:

1 part Geritol
1 part Moxie
2 parts Vodka

-and a Milk of Magnesia chaser

I call it the Quicker Pucker Upper

And for the morning after:
Try a Brown Bowl: Vodka & Prune Juice. (The name is obvious.)

THREE SISTERS

 (Thanks, Wendy!)

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says," I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." 

OLDIES PLAYLIST

(lifted from Hoss)

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash
Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba -- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

And then Hale McKay added more:

James Brown - Papas Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag
The Supremes - Falling In and Out of Bed
Shangri-las - Walkers in the Sand
Leslie Gore - It's My Potty (and I'll Try If I Want To)
David Houston - Almost Constipated
Dave Clark 5 - Catscan Us If You Can
Bob Dylan - Like A Kidney Stone
Supremes - Nothing But Heartburn
Lenny Welch - Since I Fell On You
Amboy Dukes - Gerney To the Center of the Ward
O.C. Smith- LIttle Green Tablets
The Tokens - The Loins Seep Tonight
Ray Charles - Take These IVs From My Arm
Tommy James - Moaning, Moaning
Glen Campbell - By The Time I Get To Pee
Hermans Hermits - There's a Kind of Mush (All Over My Shirt)
BJ Thomas - Slipped on a Peeling
Neil Sedaka - Breaking Up Pills Is Hard To Do
Lonnie Donegan - Does Your Dentures Lose Their Flavor In the Cup Overnight?

WAR STORIES

Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be a 165 years old."
 

THE BUTT

(Thanks, Wendy!)
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied  her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

THE CHECKUP

(Thanks, Eva!)
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly  well for my age".
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,  "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,  hunting, or fishing?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"

RECALL THIS!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activites had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.  One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "now don't get made at me... i know we've been friends for a long time but i just can't think of your name!  I've thought and thought and thought, but i can't remember it.  Please tell me what your name is".

Her friend stared at her - for atleast 3 minutes - she just stared.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?".

Wise Old Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

THIS IS ONLY A TEST

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without  a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

      1. This is this cat
      2. This is is cat
      3. This is how cat
      4. This is to cat
      5. This is keep cat
      6. This is an cat
      7. This is old cat
      8. This is person cat
      9. This is busy cat
      10. This is for cat
      11. This is forty cat
      12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.    

Previously on Miss Cellania: Old Folks and Sex and the Senior Citizen.

Thought for today: God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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