Once again, I’m tackling a subject I know very little about. I’ve spent most of my adult life as a married woman, and I don’t go on dates with guys unless I know them fairly well already. So I’ll hand this intro over to Jules, from Theater of the Absurd.

Ms. C asked me to write a paragraph about a bad date. A paragraph? Hell, I could write a novel with all the bad dates I’ve had. But here are the worst of the worst things you can do to be a “bad date”.

* Tell the other person you want to marry them/move in with them within the first hour of the date. (If you want to hit really bad, do it before the two of you have ordered dessert.)
* Tell the other person you want to father/have their babies. Again, on the first date. It might have worked for Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta, but he’s rich and used to be hot. Now he’s just pathetic. You will be too if you use this ploy.
* Tell your date about your criminal history. Especially if you are still involved in it, and on the run…cuz nothing says great date like you looking over your shoulder for the cops.
* Ask her to “blow you” within the first ten minutes of meeting her. Cuz yeah, that’s a huge turn on for us girls.
* While I have tattoos of my own, (and they are strategically placed to be hidden if I desire), I do not want to see the one on your willie on the first date. Or ever, probably.
* Be particularly rude to the wait staff wherever you take me. Unless it’s McDonalds, and then you’re not getting a second date, so I don’t give a damn if you’re rude to them or not.
* Grope a boob during a movie and then claim you were trying to get some popcorn. When you know damn good and well you were too cheap to spring for any in the first place.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

Jules has had a couple of experiences herself.

Mystery Date

You had a bad date.

Remember the Mel Gibson movie What Women Want, where he could read women’s minds? What if a woman could read a man’s mind?

Are you a loser? Take the test!

From the American Inventor’s Spot, here are Ten Types of Men You Need to Avoid. And Ten Types of Women You Need to Avoid.

Blog of the Day: What the? tells the bad date saga from the male side. (Thanks, Jules!)

The famous 1949 instructional film Dating Dos and Don’ts.

This 1961 film Girls Beware explains SOME of the things that can go wrong when you keep company with boys.

Golden Lucy recalls a bad date from her teenage years.

55 ways to get rid of a bad date.

RATIO

A young woman was our guide on a tour of the old Alaskan Gold Rush town of Skagway. I'd heard how guys are the majority in that part of the country, so I asked her: "What's the ratio of men to women here?"
"In Skagway? About one to one. But I'm told Juneau has something like ten men for every woman," she said.
"Why didn't you move there?" I said. "The odds seem so much better."
"Oh, the odds are good," she acknowledged with a smile, "but the goods are odd."

THE PHONE CALL

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

THINGS NOT TO SAY

O

N

A DATE

* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be, I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Previously on Miss Cellania:
The Mars and Venus posts from the old site.
The Mars and Venus posts from the new site.

Thought for today: Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.

humor jokes video funny games love romance date dating courtship Save To Del.icio.us