There I was, dreaming of a guy I know, when my nap was interrupted by those dreaded words, “Ew! Don’t tell Mama.” So much for sleep.

My daughters had been cooking. Princess did her best to recreate the Cream of Wheat I fixed for breakfast. Three times. All in different saucepans. She swore she read and followed the directions; it just didn’t turn out right. Gothgrrl didn’t want to be left out, but she didn’t need no stinkin’ recipe. Her concoction was a nasty brew of peanut butter, marshmallows, cocoa mix, water, and God only knows what else. In my largest stewpot. Its so easy to screw up good food when you don’t know what you’re doing.

Arthur Boyt has eaten roadkill for 30 years. Now he’s writing a recipe book.

FTS tripped an Ember Alert.

The Single Man’s Guide to TV Dinners.

Crying While Eating is a gallery of videos of people who are crying and eating. Strange, but fun. Sorta. (Thanks, Bill!)

From the American Inventor Spot, Ten Things That make You Wanna Puke.

Blog Site of the Day: Weird Meat takes a look at strange food around the world. Don’t read while eating.

Orgasm or excellent marinara? See the photos, and decide whether the grimace is from a delicious piece of food, or from a porn star portraying an orgasm. They all looked like porn stars to me. (via Boingboing)

Meat Identification Test. To determine just how well you know your meat.

This short cartoon is named Hungry.

In Japan, ice cream comes in flavors like Soy Sauce, Curry, and Salad.

Here’s the recipe for a Top Hat, a “delicacy” from the streets of Detroit.

Top Secret Recipes.

Great Britain has a reputation for terrible food, but even they have their limits! Here is a survey of the UK’s Worst Food.

Just a little off-topic, but cool. Here’s what happens when you put a piece of ham in a CD player! (via Arbroath)

Here’s a drink recipe to go along with the delightful food in this post.

How NOT to cook crawly, live things.

I’ve featured posts from Steve, Don’t Eat It a few times before, but now here’s all the relevant posts so you can catch up. (WARNING: disgusting)

And for dessert, The Top Ten Grossest Candies.

Yeah, yeah, idiots have to eat too.

I just got an email from Bizzy. Her email address has "lemons-r-yellow" in it. Is she an idiot? You decide. Bizzy thought Confectioner's Sugar was just a brand name, so she didn't think it mattered and used granulated sugar to make icing. Turns out she was making this cake for an Independence Day party and had to check with a friend to find out if Independence Day was going to be on the 4th .... again .... this year. When she figured out something was wrong, she popped open a can of store bought frosting and hid the other stuff in the freezer where months later it was pulled out. People wondered what it was and how it got there, but Bizzy never fessed up. Mystery stuff in the freezer ...

Then there was the time my sister had a pot of potpourri simmering on the stove. Her husband was out with the guys and she got tired of waiting up for him. She turned off the pot and went to bed. About an hour later, in comes Dennis. He's drunk. He's got the munchies. He ladels himself up a big mug of "soup". Ha! His chin was stained pink for two weeks.

Cooking Terms -- Redefined

* Arab Coffee-Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student's offices.
* Calorie-Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
* Frying Pan-Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegetable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.
* Microwave Oven-Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
* Oven-Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
* Preheat-To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
* Porridge-Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "Horrid," and "Sludge."
* Recipe-A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
* Tongue-A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
* Yogurt-Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

For more cooking definitions, see the international version.

INDIGESTION GALLERY

(click to enlarge)

Previously on Miss Cellania: Odd Cooking and Barbecue

Thought for today: I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -Steven Wright

PS for the usual suspects: My blogiversary is coming up next week. If you want to send a “testimonial”, or a “roast” for the occasion, email me or leave something in the comments. Thanks!

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