The Battle of the Bulge is an ongoing thing for me, and for most American women my age (don’t ask). I haven’t been walking during school vacation, since its so hard to get these kids in gear for anything, but come Wednesday, its back to two-miles a day! I tried to tell myself that pushing a lawnmower was equivalent, but it really doesn’t work out that way, being as my mower was in the repair shop a good part of the summer. But that's neither here nor there. Our dieting efforts are always good for a laugh or two!

Top Ten Ways to Know You're Too Fat
(Lifted from Wulfweard)

10. When you get to the bottom of a stairway, your tummy takes one more step.
9. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
8. You put mayonnaise on aspirin.
7. Your blood type is Ragu.
6. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
5. You ran away from home and they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton for your picture.
4. You could sell shade.
3. Your driver's license says, 'Picture continued on other side.'
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
1. You dance and it makes the band skip.

Diet tip from the Fat Fairy.

I tried to diet, but the Fat Came Back!

Height/weight chart featuring real people. This is real, realistic, and pretty damn cool.

The Beer Diet. Which can lead to Manboobs.

Now we pause for a word from our sponsor.

Diet song: To All the Carbs I’ve Loved Before.

Calories burned during sex. (via Bonanza Jellybean)

The best thing would be to find a man who loves fat women.

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?

I think I'm fine but I can see
you won't cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray

What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,

And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;

I hate you being smug and wise -
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,

If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!

DIET BUDDIES

Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great," Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."

FAT SEX

A rather large gentleman whose name was Paul was married to a woman who was as heavy as he was, if not more so. They had two children. All their friends quietly wondered how they had managed to conceive.

One evening at the bar a friend of Paul's got up the nerve to ask him, how it was possible that he and his wife conceived their children, being as large as they are.

To this Paul replied:

"You guys with small dicks are always asking me that!"

DIET GALLERY

(click to enlarge) 

Previously on Miss Cellania: Diet  and Does My Butt Look Big In This?

Thought for today: A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

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