The local county fair just ended here. Its one of the earliest, too early for what used to pass for a county fair, with the harvest and canning competitions. But we did have a carnival, complete with a freak show and a mechanical bull, plus the demolition derby, the mule pull, and the karioke contest. I had just as much fun watching people as I did anything else. It was a parade of pregnant women smoking, grandmas cussing, goths saying “y’all”, obese families scarfing down funnel cakes, cowboys swaggering, and teenagers with muffintops flirting with acne-covered boys. As I observed the local human condition, I knew I had to get another redneck post out soon.

Redneck Road Sign game.  I blew that sucker away!

Redneck neighbor from hell. A true story, with photographs.  (Thanks, Ken!)

Redneck Baby.

Your Hillbilly Name Is...

Barbara Jean Dallas

THE CAFE

(Thanks, Wendy!)

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress Nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is That Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang! How's about getting me a cold glass of Coke!!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold Glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me..... I'm drawin' disability."

The opposite of a Redneck is a Blueneck.

Redneck Family website.

Video: A Redneck Extravaganza.

Poopie opines on Finding Your Inner Redneck.

Redneck Haiku

(Thanks, Bill!)

Beauty
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

Remorse
A painful sadness
Can’t fit big screen TV through
Double-wide’s front door

Options
Unemployment’s out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

Blaze
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne’s been playing with
Gasoline again

A New Moon
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we’ll gig some frogs

Exuberance
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

Alone
Seeking solitude
Carl’s ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

Desire
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
you are my cousin

Offerings
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert

Drama
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O’Clock

Deprived
In Wal-Mart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants ’rassling doll
Mama whups his ass

No Signal
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler

Impounded
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

Gathering
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

Pride
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed

Previously on Miss Cellania:
Redneck Wedding
Redneck Photo Album
Redneck Engineering Exam
Hillbilly Computer 

Thought for today: If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.  -Jeff Foxworthy

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