Recently, we were discussing blogs. I said “I’m no writer,” as as an intro to complimenting his writing. The response I got was “All the writing I’ve seen you do is the ‘Here’s some jokes...’ type." OK, I just said I'm no writer! There’s really no need to rub it in, but it does give me a great excuse to write nothing here, and just say,

Here’s some jokes. On alcohol. Enjoy.

CIDER

I had 12 jugs of hard cider in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents down the sink, or else!! So I said I would.

I pulled the cork from the first jug and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the second jug and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork from the third jug and poured the cider down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the jug down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the next jug and drank all but one sink of it, throwing the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink from the next glass and poured the cork from the jug. Then I corked the sink with the glass, jugged the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the jugs, corks and glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again and finally had all houses in one jug, which I drank.

I am not under the alcofluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am, nor are I half so think as they drunk I am, but I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the frunder I stand here the longer I get.

Here’s to Beer!

The Top Ten Greatest Drunks.

 From Modern Drunkard: History’s Greatest Female Drunkards.

This guy has had a few too many. There’s an understatement! See his struggles, set to some really appropriate music.

Calculate how much alcohol you have drunk in your life.

How to make beer.

How to make your own shot glasses out of ice.

1000 ways to open a beer bottle.

THE PATCH

Two Texas rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a DPS roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, throw the bottles under the seat, and peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads.”

“What fer?”, asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?”, said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the trooper said, “You boys been drinkin’?”

“No, sir”, said Earl. “We’re on the patch”.

You Are Rum

Miss C is the life of the party, and a total flirt She's also pretty picky about what she drinks Only the finest labels and best cocktails will do Miss Cellania especially likes Pina Coladas

ODE TO TEQUILA

(Thanks, R.L. Gatty!)

Tequila, scorpion honey, harsh dew of the daylands, essence of Aztec, creme de cacti;
Tequila, oily and therrmal, like the sun in solution;
Tequila, liquid geometry of passion;
Tequila, the buzzard god who copulates in midair with the ascending souls of dying virgins;
Tequila, firebug in the house of good taste;
O Tequila, savage water of sorcery, what confusion and mischief your sly, rebellious drops do generate.
                                                    -T. Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker, Bantam Books, 1980, p.50

 Previously on Miss Cellania:

Beer
Tequila Beach Party
Drinking

Thought for today: “I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.”  -Rodney Dangerfield

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