I learned how to drive the old-fashioned way: in a standard shift vehicle that was way bigger than it should be. See, the MG Midget I was going to receive as a hand-me-down needed some major work. So when I took the test for my liscence, I drove Mom’s car. It didn’t pass inspection. Then I tried with Dad’s car. It didn’t pass inspection, either. By this time, I was driving to school everyday, with a learner’s permit and a school buddy who was liscenced riding with me. I don’t think they let 16 year olds do that anymore. Anyway, one day I got a wild hair and decided I needed to skip class. Taking your driver’s test was a valid excuse, so I took my liscenced buddy and my Midget down to the courthouse . Wonder of wonders, that little rustbucket passed inspection! So I finally got to take the road test and had my liscence in time for 5th period class. But not everyone finds it so easy to pass the road test, or the written test, for that matter.

DRIVERS TEST

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of  Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

Redneck Driver’s Exam.

California driver's liscence exam application.

How to tell where a driver is from. 

NEW DRIVER

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." 

Thought for today: I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.  -Erma Bombeck

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