Does my butt look big in this?
Thursday, 04.06.06 @ 12:03AM 
Its the worst thing that can happen to a woman, and it happens to most of us. We put on fat. Its an evolutionary mechanism to ensure survival, for us and our babies. And its so easy! A man can guzzle beer all day, then polish of a Porterhouse steak and never gain an ounce. But a woman will glance at a Hershey�s kiss and balloon up big time. It also causes all kinds of problems for those of us who have self-esteem issues (which is a LOT of us). You�d think we�d learn not to ask the question, but we still do. My eight-year-old daughter asked me if her butt looked fat. She�s the most beautiful thing God ever created, and she�s already worried about her butt.
Now, if we could only be like the mammoths in the movie Ice Age 2, which I saw over the weekend. I don�t have access to a script, but as best as I can recall, here�s the approximate dialog:
SHE: What about me is attractive to you?
HE: Well, um, (thinking) your butt.
SHE: My butt?!
HE: Your butt, its ... big.
SHE: Oh! Thank you! Thats such a nice thing to say!
HE: Yeah, its real big! The biggest one I�ve ever seen!
SHE: You are so sweet!
Six ways to tell her she�s fat. Just reading this hurts. Guys, we know when we are fat. Telling us will not help. When your preference becomes our obsession, the results are daughters with eating disorders.
Does My Ass Look Fat in These Pants? is a blog dedicated to judging submitted backsides.
FTS on �Do I look fat in these jeans?�
Answering the question can be so difficult, there�s even a book about it. Or two.
There are lots of possible answers, none of them right.
Its a popular forum topic.
I found a bit of advice on how men should answer this and other questions.
Here's a classic case, with the honesty every woman dreads!
UK researchers study how clothing affects the look of the female derri�re.
BARBEQUE GRILL
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?
**********
If you�re ready to just give up, go with the Mom Jeans. A skit from SNL.
Yeah, I found a game to go with this subject, Fat Man. No special skills needed, but its funny/strange.
Get the T-shirt.
BUTT GALLERY
I did a Google image search for "butt look big" and found the awfulest bunch of pictures, of all kinds of things, all with the caption "Does this (car, job, boyfriend, dress, etc) make my butt look big?" Here are just a few of the more pertinent ones.
Thought for today: Since food has replaced sex in my life, I can�t even get into my own pants!
humor jokes video funny games fat butt jeans ass pants
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Reader Comments (20)
More good stuff. The SNL skits were outstandingly atrociously.
Ways to improve presentation
1. Wear hold-up stockings and a bowler hat, and nothing else.
2. Wear skin-tight jeans (make them the right size for yourself, even if they are large - it's about definition!)
3. Put the blindfold on your lover before he gets any part of his anatomy into close contact with your butt.
4. If truly desperate, just go down on him. He won't care what your arse looks like and his eyes will probably be closed anyway...
Different rules apply to men with large posteriors, but that's nothing new.
My sisters called me "Bubbles" growing up because I had a bubble butt. They were just jealous because they had flat butts. LOL
Thank you for the giggles.
�Do I look fat?�
"Do I look stupid?"
Solves all your problems and you can go back to drinking your beer and finding something naked on the TV...
You're now on my blogroll!
Carl, don't be an idiot. The correct answer is "no".
Annie and the Captain, I'm so glad you came to visit, thanks for your kind words!
Coll and Andrew, this is my greatest concern. I don't want my kids to have the same angst as their elders, but they will.
Saur, I'm dealing with ten extra pounds due to not smoking. Its worth it so far!
JB, I never said I wrote all this stuff! The best joeks are stolen.
I go to comment on your blog, and danged if it don't let me. What does being a skunk have to do widdit?
;-)
At any rate...I see you did up an entry on the question most men hate to be confronted by. I have been, only once; before I began to understand that I could never understand women, I thought I might, and I answered honestly: not a chance (she was 5' 4", 120 lbs...does that sound fat-butted?).
I wasn't believed. A contrived argument over the size of her butt, and it was all downhill from thar.
Of course, in the post-battle mortem, I reviewed my options, and found that I had none that would have worked; it was then that I learned there are two ways to argue with a woman, and neither works when all she's after is an unwinnable argument (at least, such was the case with my ex-fiancee).
Should I ever find myself in a situation where I am asked this question by someone with whom I am more than just platonically interested/involved (possibly by the time Ice Age XX is made, when I truly will be harmless, if still breathing), I will have the essentials down:
- if there's time, don body armor and a helmet, first
- if there isn't, hope I had time to stretch before having to duck
- if I didn't have time, take the pain and duck anyway, and hope I can hoist my remains up by the handles of my walker, if she isn't beating me with it
Dangerous as political questions are to answer these days, I'd prefer them to the 'butt' question, anytime LOL.
Amusing column, Ms C.
'Skunk'
http://skunkfeathers57.blogspot.com/
(sorry you couldn't post this yourself, I don't know what the deal is!)
Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that...