Bad Santa
Tuesday, 12.05.06 @ 12:04AM 
Just for a moment, put yourself in Santa Claus' place. I mean by your imagination, not to the North Pole (although in researching this piece, I've read enough North Pole jokes to last a lifetime). OK, first off, you've got unlimited wealth. You've got the power to move in and out of people's homes undetected. You have cultural permission to consume as many calories as you want, and you'll never die. In fact, people prefer that you stay fat. And you only work one night a year. Everyone loves you, and everyone wants you to attend their parties. What a life! So what does a fellow with all that do the rest of the year? What would YOU do? Don't answer that, this post is awful enough on its own! I don't think I need to warn you these links are not for children. But I will, so be warned.
Make fun of the Old Man and piss him off just in time for Christmas with the Evil Santa Generator! 
Order your heavily armed Christmas figurines from Wargames Supply Dump and play Santa Clause Wars! These would look lovely in those Christmas Village displays.
Every December for the last 13 years, Cacophonous Santas have been visiting cities around the world, engaging in a bit of Santarchy as part of the annual Santacon events. Get the whole story with pictures at Santacon.
Santa shops for himself.
A Christmas card from a hunting supply company. (Thanks, Joe!)
The story of Santa Klauzinski.
Probably the rudest decoration you can buy: Farting Santa.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like a photo of sweet little toddlers screaming at Santa. 69 photos available this year.
How far can you throw Slingshot Santa?
I saw this picture dozens of times last year. I thought, “too juvenile. Not funny enough.” Then I saw Jingle Smells. When I heard the music, I could NOT stop laughing. Yes, still juvenile, but now its funny!
Santa Does Vegas (flash). Lady Luck was not with him.
Simon Sez Santa. Yes, he will fart. And piss.
Remember the Santa Claus bank robbery?
DRUNK SANTA
Song: Santa Must Have Been Drinking.
Its not really a Christmas party if you don’t have a supply of Santa’s Butt Beer! Unless you’re in Maine, where they’ve banned it because of the label art. (via J-Walk Blog)
Sober Santa. Use the arrow keys to help Santa collect the Christmas goodies. The more he drinks, the harder it gets.
And there is Sober Santa 2, where he’s inside the house.
How to turn your mechanical Santa into a rollicking drunk.
Somewhere in Hoboken, there’s a very unpopular bouncer who threw 50 drunk Santas out of the bar. Note: only the first half of this video deals with the Santas.
Santa is busted!
Liked that? Then you’ll love this collection of drunk Santa videos.
(from David Letterman)
10. He recently starred in film called The Full Santy.
9. Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy?"
8. Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach.
7. Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe.
6. Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow.
5. When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap-ass bastards."
4. He's doubled over, gasping for breath, after the second "Ho."
3. Amuses kids by demonstrating the "sleeper hold" on an elf.
2. His "beard" consists of a dozen styrofoam peanuts glued to his face.
1. Always starts off by asking, "You ain't Jewish, are ya?"
DEAD SANTA 
'Twas the Night before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas old Santa was pissed,
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind, to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year 
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money and the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant Vixon has AIDS
Flying through the air, dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
The IRS, they sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes. If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever sent Santa any money?
And the kids these days, they all are the pits.
They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds with no request for them
They want computers and Robots, they think I am IBM
If you think that is bad picture this..
Try holding those brats with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile, the parents think I'm weird
I quit this job, there is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass and collect unemployment
There is NO Christmas this year Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde and heading SOUTH for the season....
Thought for today: Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe that he's smoking? - Arlo Guthrie
humor jokes video funny games Santa Claus Christmas drunk holiday alcohol
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Reader Comments (8)
I wouldn't want to eat I wanted, I would grow tired and wouldn't appreciate the treats and good foods.
Santa holding weapons is just wrong, although Christmas is commercialized (overly!!), Santa stands for giving and making children happy. I don't like what society is doing to his image. In many ways, I still believe he is real; he lives through all of us.
Have a great day and thanks for the laughs, this was a great post.
BTW - you quite possibly put together the best, most well researched content on the web, bigtime kudos to you!