No one in the world makes as much use of the Postal Service than Santa Claus. Tons of mail goes out every year adressed to Santa at the North Pole. Almost as many letters are sent back from Santa to good little boys and girls. Then there are the “open letters to Santa” you see in the newspapers and websites. And the email! Santa doesn’t use spamfilters, either, so you know his inbox is always full. Remember the movie Miracle on 24th Street? The whole thing came back to me when I walked down 34th to Macy’s on my recent road trip to New York. That movie is one of my favorite courtroom dramas, up there with To Kill A Mockingbird. The entire court case comes down to the authority of the Postal Service, which forwarded Santa’s mail to the courthouse where he was on trial.

The Marx Brothers say there ain’t no Sanity Clause.

Pictures with Santa gone horribly wrong.

You can plot your life by the four stages of Santa Claus:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake... isn’t that creepy? What else does Santa see? Here’s a special message from Santa.

Blogs Letters to Santa

1. Carl wrote his early, in which he apologized to Santa for the reindeer-crippling incident at his home last year, then asked for gifts for his conservative counterparts.

2. Skunkfeathers IS Santa Claus in his correspondence with email scammers. He followed that up with quite a few more letters from Santa to email scammers.

3. Fuzzy Dave made a video letter to Santa. Keep your mouse away from the screen, or you won’t see the subtitles.

4. I can relate to Tania’s request from Santa. I want to outsource my housework, too!

5. Karl at Secondhand Tryptophan talks to Santa about holiday decorations before he presents his wish list.

6. Musikdude has a serious request in to Santa for help with his manly parts. Just reading about it made me hurt, and I don't even have a penis! Prayers, please! Update: surgery is scheduled for January 11th.

7. Monica wrote Santa and asked for nothing for herself, but gifts for all her blogger friends. She's a sweetie. 

If you don’t have time to write a real letter to Santa, you can use the Santa Letter Generator!

Beavis and Butthead read letters to Santa

If you liked that, here’s part two.

Barbie's and Ken's letters to Santa. Because even toys have needs and desires.

What Strong Bad does not want for Christmas Decemberween. (via Wendell Wit)

North Pole, Alaska gets a ton of letters the Santa every year.

Santa Claus will write back, too. Here are letters from Bad Santa.

Santa! If you've ever wondered why Santa didn't answer your letter, this will explain. Warning: Rude. (Thanks, Schann!) 

First Drafts from Santa

(Thanks, Eva!)
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and

write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
"Long Dong" Claus

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

Previously on Miss Cellania: Bad Santa and Elves

Thought for today: Your Honor, every one of these letters is addressed to Santa Claus. The Post Office has delivered them. Therefore the Post Office Department, a branch of the Federal Governent, recognizes this man Kris Kringle to be the one and only Santa Claus. -Fred Gailey in Miracle on 34th Street

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