The older I get, the more comforting the thought of old people “doin’ it” is to me. Yeah, it was gross to even consider it when I was young and hip. Now I’m not over the hill, but I can see over the top already. And like many Baby Boomers, I refuse to grow old gracefully! I’ve come to value character lines. I appreciate the advantages of bad eyesight. I also don’t want to write off possibilities on account of my date of birth. No way!

BEDRIDDEN

A husband and wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion.

One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.

The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden?"

And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy!"

Sex and the single septuagenarian.

Some people can find love on the internet. Sometimes, it backfires on you.

If you don’t think old folks are doing it, just ask them!

Old Bob’s New Wife.

Grandma and the Oranges.

Check out this ad for a hotel.

NEWLYWEDS

(Thanks, Eva!)
At 85 years of age, Jack married LaVonne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since  her new husband is so old, LaVonne decides that after their wedding she  and Jack should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities LaVonne prepares herself for bed and the  expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Jack, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Jack takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LaVonne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Jack. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LaVonne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Jack kisses his bride, bids her a

fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Jack is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Jack gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Jack."

Jack, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LaVonne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

Alzheimer's - it has its advantages.

VIAGRA

I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.  (lifted from Letters from Heaven)

 SEX ON SCHEDULE

(Thanks, Julian!)
An old man went to see the doc with a problem. 'Doc, I just married this much younger woman, and I'm finding it hard to make love to her every night.'

The doc thinks a little then says 'OK. Make love one night, then skip a couple, then try again. Should work fine.'

The man goes off happy, but a few weeks later the doc is surprised to be invited to his funeral. He gets the man's brother to one side and asks him 'Not sure how to put this, but was it, uh, the sex that finished him off?'

The brother says 'No... it was the skipping!'

THE HEALING

(lifted from Raggedy) 
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, and placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"

THE AFFAIR

Clyde was 87, Maude was 85. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Clyde asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Clyde for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Clyde was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

THE DOCTOR

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

PENIS POETRY

My nookie days are over;
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal;
Is now my water spout.

Time was when of its own accord;
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job;
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch me shave.

As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes.

THE LAST WISH

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her."

TELEVISION

(Thanks, Eva!)

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said,

"Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Sex and the Senior Citizen (thats where all the good cartoons are)

Thought for today: The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

humor jokes video funny old elderly senior citizen sex