OK, be honest. How many of you looked at the title and saw Elvis? I've already done a day on Elvis! Or maybe you read it correctly, and still thought of this.

Nobody thinks about elves until Christmas time. So we may as well make it up to them by running the concept into the ground one day a year, and that day is today. For the occasion, I’ve even turned myself into an elf! Do you believe it? Hear my little elf message and see me dance! If you found that hard to understand, here's a shorter one with a normal voice. You can make your own, too, at Elf Yourself. If it doesn't work when you try it, wait a while, it might later. I think they seriously underestimated the popularity of this application. Elf Yourself is the easy way out for those of you who should’ve sent Christmas cards, but didn’t. Cheaper, too, so its a great idea for you tightwads to send greetings to people you don’t care enough about to buy Christmas cards.

Let Santa’s elves sing a Christmas carol composed and programmed by you. Or one someone already did, with this Carol Generator from ZeFrank. Here’s a greeting I put together with it.

Seriously Bad Elf Beer made the list of recommended holiday drinks.

Baby, Its Cold Outside (from Elf)

Elves in law enforcement: Orange County has an elf to catch speeders. (via Arbroath)

A message from Hermey and Rudolf.

The Christmas Elf Massacre is a somewhat gross story (in poetry form) of a really bad Santa who resorts to cannabilism. Read at your own peril.

Christmas Elf Name My Christmas Elf Name is Get your Christmas Elf Name at JokesUnlimited.com

 
Rappin Elves (Warning: Contains Barney)

Pop Culture Elves

 
1. Buddy in the movie Elf

 
2. Hermey in the TV special Rudolph

3. Marcus in the movie Bad Santa

4. Arwen in Lord of the Rings

5. The Keebler Elf

6. Bernard in the movie The Santa Clause

7. Princess in last year's Christmas play.

Elf Pickup Lines

* "Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?"

* "We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle."

* "That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there."

* "Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay."

* "One night with me, baby, and you'll be sneezin' tinsel."

* "Why, yes, I am George Stephanopoulos."

* "I can't tell you how hard it is to be the only elf who's Jewish."

* "Not everything about me is tiny."

* "That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling."

* "I'm down here!"

* "Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy."

* "I was once a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt."

* "No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."

* "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."

* "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners."

* "I taught Santa everything he knows."

* "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."

* "I'm free on Christmas Eve."

* "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

* "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

* "You know what they say about guys with big ears."

* "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."

* "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."

* "I can get you off the naughty list."

THE NORTH POLE PUB

Yukon Cornelius walks into a North Pole pub and clears his voice to the crowd of elven drinkers. He says, "I hear you elves are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 gold to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of extra stout back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up Yukon's offer. One elf even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same elf who left shows back up and taps the prospector on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the elf.

Yukon says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of extra stout. Immediately the elf tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as Yukon sits in amazement. He gives the elf the 500 gold and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The elf replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Elf’s Lament by Barenaked Ladies

Thought for today: Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. -Matt Groening

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