My younger daughter, Gothgrrl, recently earned her first belt (gold) in karate class. Although she is the only new student this year, and the smallest, she scores bigtime against kids who are older or bigger than she every opportunity she gets. She is 45 pounds of badass Kill Bill skills. I am a proud mama! Karate is a great way to channel all that energy, hostility, and recklessness into something, um, violent. But the discipline is good for her. She listens to her instructors more than she ever listens to me. Maybe its because they have black belts, who knows. Her success also gives me an opportunity to forbid her to ever touch her sister again, because (as I told her) “You are an expert now. You just might kill her.”

I hope my child’s teacher isn’t like this Psycho Kung Fu Teacher.

Its Jerry Time! The Karate Date.

These guys are tough! But not skilled!

They say ANYONE can learn martial arts.

This guy’s not going to sell many karate videos.

Lest you begin to think that the world is populated with incompetency, take a look at this public demonstration. These folks rival any professional stuntmen, without special effects (except for the occasional slow-motion shot).

Plenty of martial arts comics can be found at Ninja Bunny.

The Sumo chicken Pepsi spot.

The Ten Greatest Martial Arts Movies of all Time. Contains 16 movies.

Kung Fu Crab

Have you heard of the martial art style called Stooge Fu? Stooge-Fu is a system of many unconventional techniques, weapons or whatever is at hand used to dominate you opponent.

Kung Fu Baby. (via Arbroath)

Animated verion of some classic Bruce Lee clips.

Public Service Annoucement: Be a Safe Ninja!

13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School

13> Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target.

12> First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.

11> Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector.

10> The "gis" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese.

9> The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.

8> The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.

7> Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop quizzes" in dark alleys.

6> Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.

5> Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.

4> Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does not exist in this dojo!"

3> You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying to tie your belt on.

2> Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the neighbors when he moved in.

and the number 1 sign you've joined the wrong martial arts school...

1> Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a
     can of whoop-ass" on someone?

The biggest lies told in Judo

1. I haven't worked out in a while.

2. Let's play light.

3. Oops. I'm sorry.

Karate Dog

A man wanted a watchdog, so he went to the pet store. He asks the clerk, "Do you have a good watchdog?"

The clerk replies, "You're in luck; I have one left." She comes back with a chihuahua.

The man, a little ticked off, says "What the hell do I need a chihuahua for? That's not a watchdog!"

The clerk replies, "But this is a special watchdog. He knows karate." The clerk takes the chihuahua and the man out to an alley, where there is some trashy furniture. The clerk points to a chair and says, "Karate that 

Repeat performance. The man, amazed, buys the dog for $100 and takes it home.

When he gets home, the man shows his wife the chihuahua proclaiming, "Honey, I got you a watchdog!"

The wife yells, "That isn't a watchdog, for cryin' out loud! You wasted your money!"

The man calmly replies, "This is a special watchdog. He knows karate."

The wife, flustered, shouts: "Karate?!? Karate my ass!!!"

Thought for today:  The definition of martial arts is “a family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.”

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