The Perfect Day for Her:
* 8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
* 8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
* 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
* 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
* 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
* 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
* 1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
* 3:00 Nap
* 4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
* 4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
* 5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
* 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
* 10:00 Hot shower (alone)
* 10:30 Make love
* 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
* 11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day for Him!
* 6:15 Blowjob
* 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
* 7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
* 7:30 Limo arrives
* 7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
* 8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
* 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
* 9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
* 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
* 12:15 Blowjob
* 12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
* 2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
* 2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
* 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
* 4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
* 5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
* 6:45 Shit, shower and shave
* 7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
* 9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
* 9:30 Sex with three women
* 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
* 11:45 Bed (alone)
* 11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
* 11:55 Sleep

It's a wonder men and women spend any time together!

Yes, I am aware that this is Friday the 13th. Go out and make it a perfect day!

Click to enlarge. From Hyper Death Babies.
 

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself  saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that  sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

(via Bits and Pieces)
 

Eve chats with God. "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and hitting a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well ...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret........ you know, woman to woman."

(Thanks, Wendy!)

See also: his version.

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, 'Lord, I have a problem.'

'What's the problem, Adam?', God replies.

'Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy'

'Why is that, Adam?', comes the reply from the heavens.

'Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.'

'Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you.'

'What's a 'woman', Lord?'

'This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.', replies the heavenly voice.

'Sounds great.'

'She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.'

'How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?', Adam replies.

'She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.'

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, 'Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?'

The rest, as they say, is history.

See also: her version.

(via Phil’s Phun)

Why women live longer than men !

The following photos show conclusively why it is that women tend to live longer than men.


#7
("And to think... those wimps at the power company use straps and cleats to get up this high!")



#6
("Gee, guys... that seems like an awful lot of protective gear for such a small chlorine gas leak...")



#5
(Necessity is the mother of invention...)




#4
("Jackstands? Hah! Who needs 'em?")




#3
(I'm sure this guy still wonders why he got fired that day.)



#2
Step 1: Remove shoes.
Step 2: Place metal ladder in water.
Step 3: Begin using power tools while standing barefoot on metal ladder in water.

And the winner is...



(How drunk do you have to be before this starts looking like a good idea?)

You also need to check out this video of two men and a ladder at Arbroath.

I took this life expectancy test and scored 87.89 years. Got a long way to go!

An oldie but goodie. According to The Death Clock, I need to be ready by 2051. Maybe I should open an IRA.

Thought for today: These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

This post first appeared on September 8, 2005.

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember, you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

OK, these are a little rough and it's a joke after all, but I agree with a very few of them, like never marry a man for his money.

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

(via Bits and Pieces)

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

These are actually quite elementary, and should cause no confusion for anyone. (Thanks, Rich!)

ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".