At first I thought, hey, they are just asking high school kids who don’t yet know what they want! But then they asked the MOM, and she’s got it down.

Women might be a mystery to men, we all admit that, but, in order for us to get along well, there are a few things that they should know about men too:

1. If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
          * Unless the answer is yes.
          * In which case, can he videotape it?

3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

4. Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.

5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.

6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.

7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

10. Don’t hog the covers. Really.

11. If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.

12. “Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.

13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

14. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

15. Of course he wants another beer.

16. The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.

17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….

18. He does not want to be just friends.

19. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

20. He was not looking at that other girl.
          * Well, okay… maybe a little.
          * Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…

21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

22. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?

28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

30. He heard you the first time. Honest.

31. You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.

32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.

34. Of course size matters, and boy does he has the grandaddy of them all.

35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.

Bob went over to his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He often told her how attractive she was, complimented her on her cooking and showered her with hugs and kisses.

"Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife".

"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage and we couldn't be happier."

Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife and told her how much he loved her and said he wanted to hear all about her day.

But she burst into tears.

"Honey," Bob said, "whats' the matter?".

"This has been the worst day," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and broke his ankle, then the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you come home drunk!"

(via Phil’s Phun)

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Anything-but-lame graphic by Randall Munroe of xkcd.

I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny."

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favorite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty," "huge" or "the thunderstick."

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed ____________________________________
Date ____________________

Good luck getting any woman to sign this. In your dreams!

That's why they hold the door open for us, isn't it?

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

Comic by Steve Langille. See more of his work at Strange Breed.

The Perfect Day for Her:
* 8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
* 8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
* 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
* 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
* 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
* 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
* 1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
* 3:00 Nap
* 4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
* 4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
* 5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
* 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
* 10:00 Hot shower (alone)
* 10:30 Make love
* 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
* 11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day for Him!
* 6:15 Blowjob
* 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
* 7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
* 7:30 Limo arrives
* 7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
* 8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
* 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
* 9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
* 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
* 12:15 Blowjob
* 12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
* 2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
* 2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
* 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
* 4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
* 5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
* 6:45 Shit, shower and shave
* 7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
* 9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
* 9:30 Sex with three women
* 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
* 11:45 Bed (alone)
* 11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
* 11:55 Sleep

It's a wonder men and women spend any time together!

Yes, I am aware that this is Friday the 13th. Go out and make it a perfect day!

Click to enlarge. From Hyper Death Babies.