Sunday, 11.08.09 @ 12:02AM 
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
(Thanks, Rich!)
Saturday, 11.07.09 @ 12:04PM 
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat.
To my distress,he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.
"Don't worry," my husband reassured me.
"I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently"trained" our new pet.
Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly.
For the next 16 years, whenever hewanted to go outside,
he scratched the back of the sofa.
(via Phil’s Phun)
Cats Saturday, 11.07.09 @ 12:03AM 
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband and calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in -- he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!"
Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
(Thanks, Rich!)
Friday, 11.06.09 @ 04:00PM 
You may have to lose once to figure out how the game Drench works, but then it's a lot of fun! Select your next color to make your paint splotch bigger, and try to cover the entire floor in paint. (via Metafilter)
Top 10 Mad Science-Worthy Chemistry Experiments.
7 First Strips Of Legendary Cartoonists. They got much better afterwards.
Sometimes you just have to come out and tell it like it is. Because some people will not take hints.
Nice guys finishing last -again.
He was delighted to find his son had his own terms for different LEGO pieces. So he gathered more children, four in all, to find out what names they used, and assembled those names in a handy chart. (via Buzzfeed)
Links Friday, 11.06.09 @ 03:00PM
A skunk in Tulsa, Oklahoma got his head stuck in a jar. Now you know what to do when this happens. (via Blame It On The Voices)
Friday, 11.06.09 @ 12:02PM 
Star Wars IV: A New Hope
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"
Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back
1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"
4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, commme..."
7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"
Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi
1. "Rise, my friend."
2. "Open the back door!"
3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
4. "It's just a dead animal..."
5. "Not bad for a little furball."
6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two."
9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."
Top ten sexually tilted lines from the trilogy
10. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke?"
9. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
8. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"
7. "I never knew I had it in me."
6. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab."
5. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
4. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!" (Han) with "A little higher, just a little higher."
3. "Short help's better than no help at all."
2. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
Friday, 11.06.09 @ 08:22AM
Thread tiny cameras through the singers' noses and focus on the larynx. Then have them sing sweetly and see what it looks like deep inside. -via b3ta
Friday, 11.06.09 @ 03:00AM
Watch slime molds and mushrooms grow in this time-lapse video. I was particularly taken with the Stinkhorn Mushroom, which casts a net! (via Unique Daily)
